How to communicate in marriage
Learning how to communicate in marriage is a HUGE part of married life.
Today, let’s talk about something so important in marriage, but that can also be one of the most difficult things you face – how to communicate with your spouse.
But first, let’s talk about a thing called an expectation.
The definition of an expectation with regards to someone is “A person’s expectations are strong beliefs they have about the proper way someone should behave or something should happen.” But what does that have to do with communication? The answer can be a lot.
Three things that make up an expectation are:
we know what the expectation is,
we say what the expectation is,
and we mutually agree upon the expectation
Anything else is just a wish.
I wish he (or she) would know what I am thinking.
I wish he (or she) would leave me alone for 10 minutes when I walk in the door from work.
I wish he (or she) would help clean up the kitchen after I cooked this entire meal!
Wishing does NOT produce connection. Communication does.
Communication is one of the top “problems” in marriages today. We see and hear about it all the time with phrases like –
“my spouse never listens”,
“she does not know what I’m trying to say”,
“he always shuts down when we talk important stuff,”… and the examples can go on and on.
My wife and I have been using this marriage tool for quite some time now, and it has really made an impact on our marriage. It’s three simple questions. We don’t do this every day, but we do apply the technique several times a week. We have applied this technique so often that it almost does not even feel like a marriage tool anymore but more of our routine. That’s a very important part of this. Applying these types of tools, tips, or helper methods consistently to our marriage now will help prevent “stuff” from happening in the future.
This one, we call the “Big 3 questions”. Here we go.
Question 1.
How are you?
It’s as simple as that. AND YOU CANNOT ANSWER WITH “I’M FINE”. The acronym for “fine” is freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.
We don’t want to be fine. How are you really? We recently did our “3 questions”, and there was a LOT going on at the time. The “how are you?” question, – I was stressed. My plate was full of already enough things to do, with work, some family issues going on, some health issues going on, some doctor appointments going on that I was waiting on some results from, and to top it off, on our way to marriage class, I ran over a big screw, and now we have a flat tire. “how am I?” I’m stressed!
Question 2.
What’s big for you?
“What’s big for you” is the question to share with your spouse about what’s actually going on in your life over the past few days, or since the last time you’ve really talked. Are you dealing with something at work? Is there some health “things” going on in your day-to-day that you are stressed or worried about that you’re keeping to your self, that you may want to share? Or is there something exciting that you want to share with your spouse as well? Things do not always have to be bad or sad, share some joy too! Invite your spouse in!
Question 3.
How can I join you?
This question helps wrap up the conversation. You are opening up the door, showing care, concern, love, comfort, celebration, joy, encouragement, and responding lovingly, to your spouse. You’re listening, not problem-solving, not solutions, not telling your spouse, “If you do this or that it’ll be better,” or “you can fix it if you just…” Stop. That’s not what this is about. If your spouse wants your fixing, your solution, they’ll ask. You will know. Just ask, pause, and listen. Wait for their response.
This method of communication may seem a bit weird to some, or dumb, or maybe it’s even eye-opening.
The goal is to communicate with your spouse. This is one way of helping out your communication in your marriage. There are many others as well, but from experience, this one works great in our marriage. I love my wife very much, and having great communication is key! Communication helps with expectations. Read more about those here!
You got this! Leave a comment below if you have questions or want to chat more on this one!
Blessings!
