Marriage expectations
Marriage expectations, or expectations in marriage. Wait, what??
What are they?! Wait, you mean my spouse cannot read my mind?
Let’s see what we can find for the definition.
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
the Google
In marriage, this can be defined as “loving our spouse sacrificially and expecting nothing in return.” We sometime like to think of expectations as pre-meditated resentments. It’s almost as if we are setting the other person up for failure, without them even knowing it. Expectations become demands when we believe there’s a lack of equality in the relationship. This is also known as “keeping score”!
Three things that make up an expectation:
we know what the expectation is
we say what the expectation is
we mutually agree on the expectation
Anything ELSE – I call this a Wish. This is that “wish creed”.
I WISH he would know what I am thinking right now
I WISH she would leave me alone for 10 or 15 minutes when I come home from work
I WISH he’d clean up the kitchen after I cooked that amazing dinner
Wishing does not produce connection. Communication does.
Have you ever thought, or said to your spouse the phrase, “well, if you really love me, you would _____” and fill in the blank. We cannot use unknown expectations as weapons against our spouse. Part of this, is learning to communicate what these expectations are.
There are a few questions we can ask ourselves when it comes to communicating our expectations.
How can I communicate my expectations in a kind way?
How do we get to do this on a consistent basis?
How do we make mutually agreeing upon our expectations – a normal thing?
How can I communicate my marriage expectations in a kind way?
Early on in our marriage, there was not much kindness with regards to this communication. It was mostly demands, unknowing, and that was unfair to the other. It is VERY unkind to my spouse to expect the other to know something and it’s never been mentioned. We are not mind readers. Kindness in this manner, had to be learned, and practiced.
How do we get to do this on a consistent basis?
This is another part that is very unfair to the other. Being inconsistent – was almost, premeditated resentment. One knowing the other was not going to do something, so why even bother? Why even tell the other person? We had many unknowns, then, but not now. It sets one up for failure, when the other has no idea what is even happening.
We both fell into the plan – since I am doing my part, you must do your part. We had to make awareness a part of the daily. Say it out loud! Sometimes, we even needed a 3rd party person, a trusted mutual friend for mentoring. If what you are doing is not pointing you back to your spouse, find new help!
How do we make mutually agreeing upon our marriage expectations – a normal thing?
Sacrifice.
We both recognized – it was not just us as individuals in this – “coming to get what fills ourself.” We learned to sacrifice for one another. Once we made the other the priority, besides our kid or jobs or other people even, inviting the other into our story, into our daily, that’s when the communication and results started increasing. When we consistently communicated the partnering to the other, we were able to meet there in that spot easier.
Move out of me and into us.
Awareness – being aware of what the expectations are.
Activity – moving into those.
Agreement – mutually agreeing upon the expectations.
Be blessed!
